Est. 1517 · A purgatory-free future
Indulgences for the modern soul. Confess, transmute, and skip straight past purgatory — salvation, expedited.
The process
Three sacred steps stand between you and expedited entry. None of them involve actual improvement.
“Every window is a queue to Heaven. We simply hold it open.”
— Cardinal-Accountant, Treasury of Merit
Confessio
Unburden yourself in our booth — anonymously, or by name if you would like your absolution personalized and framed. We listen. We do not gasp.
Transmutatio
Our treasury of merit converts remorse into remission at industry-leading rates. Cards, silver, and significant inheritances accepted.
Ascensio
Receive your wax-sealed certificate of indulgence, verifiable in the Ledger of Merit. Proceed directly to the front of the eternal line.
The treasury
Four tiers of mercy, priced for every budget and most felonies. All plans include eternal salvation.*
Indulgentia pro peccatis minutis
For white lies, idle gossip, and creative parking.
Coverage: Covers up to 12 venial blemishes per lunar month.
Indulgentia venialis cumque
Road rage, coworker envy, one lie told to your mother.
Coverage: Covers chronic venial activity & two (2) near-mortal incidents.
Indulgentia mortalium peccatorum
The heavy stuff. We don't ask. We don't judge. We invoice.
Coverage: Comprehensive coverage. Sins disclosed at your discretion.
Indulgentia plenaria perpetuaque
For the truly committed. Conscience sold separately.
Coverage: Plenary, perpetual, and conspicuously absolute.
*Salvation is not guaranteed, implied, or physically possible. Certificates are novelty items of no theological consequence. All sales final, as is eternity.
Free of charge
Confess into the booth. Our scales are precise, our discretion absolute, our fees strictly downstream.
Recently unburdened
The booth awaits its first sinner of the hour.
The scales sit silent and patient — like a priest with a terminal.
Verdicts rendered in under 4 minutes
Weighings are performed by a proprietary algorithm of dubious theology and are legally binding nowhere.
verified souls
Testimonials collected post-absolution and, in several cases, posthumously.
I envied my neighbor's boat for eleven years. One Venialis later, I feel lighter, holier, and — frankly — better than him again, but in a purified way.
Chadwick T.
Greenwich, CT · venialis
The Mortalis handled my entire thirties. The concierge confessor remembered details I'd hoped God had forgotten. Five stars, zero regrets, minimal smiting.
Ingrid S.
Minneapolis, MN · mortalis
Peccata Minuta covered the parking tickets AND the things I shouted while getting them. My soul's credit score has never been higher.
Brad M.
Austin, TX · peccata
I bought the Cardinalis for my whole book club. The pew plaque is gorgeous. The quarterly soul reports arrive beautifully embossed.
Doris W.
Boca Raton, FL · cardinalis
I was skeptical until the treasury of merit cleared in under four minutes. My auditor wept. Recommended by three of my lawyers.
Anonymous
Wall Street, NY · mortalis
Told my mother one lie in 2019. It haunted me. The Venialis not only absolved it — she now thinks the tattoo says 'Family'. Miraculous.
Kevin P.
Chesterfield, UK · venialis
frequently damned questions
No. It is a premium spiritual-adjacent experience. We are not affiliated with, endorsed by, or even aware of any actual deity. Our theology is best described as 'aggressively optimistic'.
You, presumably, are not.
4 minutes · 0 hail marys · 100% not theology